Something Wonderful

Something wonderful has happened in my life.
Wrapping me up in its arms...
I feel no worry.
I'm happy.

Glowing.

Ahh, what a feeling! To feel apart of something bigger than me. Something that goes beyond human understanding. For what is love? So much to so many. So many different interpretations; feelings, experiences, perspectives. We all have our stories. Some good, some bad. But when it's really good...

Yeah. That's the stuff.

That feeling that you're... not alone.
(Well, you're never really alone... have you looked around?!)
But there's that sudden realization that you have a companion.
A best friend.
A gentle hand.
A walk in the park that brightens your day.
A simple phone call to hear their voice.
A brush of your hair from your face...

The little things. The important things. The things that last a lifetime.

Love has been many things to me in my lifetime thus far...
but right now, that's what love means to me.
And I think I've found it.
That something wonderful we all crave... ache for, even.

I don't know what the future holds, but I'm not worried. For once, this anxious girl is at peace with love. Maybe for now... maybe forever. Either way, this present moment is... is. It is everything. The in-between the worries and doubts and hopes and dreams... the stress of work and the drama of others. The only moment that actually ever matters. And I'm going to embrace it, for all its worth. Every single one of them; these precious, present moments.

For what is life... without them. <3

Consider This...

I'm one of those people who always tries to take other people's feelings into consideration. So when people in my life fail to do so, it hurts me more than it maybe should.

Maybe I'm just being silly...

I sometimes struggle to recognize if I'm overreacting or just... reacting. And how do we draw the line, really? Don't we all struggle to understand our feelings at some point? When are they valid? When are they unnecessary? When do you act on them, and when do you just let them go? None of us are perfect, and none of us have all of the answers. So how the hell do we deal?

I'm feeling quite low tonight, which I'm sure you guessed as I am blogging... the ultimate therapy for when I'm going a bit crazy inside. Things are stagnant in my life, that's for sure. I'm not working, barely looking, and barely playing. I've met a wonderful man and will be seeing him soon (he lives elsewhere), but I can't rely on him to solve every mishap in my heart. I can't rely on anyone for that... I have only myself to rely on, really.

Maybe you ARE being silly, Shaneil...

I know I have wonderful people in my life, who love me endlessly. However, not all of them really get me, get me. I'm a complicated gal, with emotions constantly changing, like the waves of the sea... No tide the same, always changing, always evolving, always super flippin' emotional...

I think what's really bothering me is feeling like I don't belong. I was so excited to move down here, and now all I can think about is getting to San Francisco. For one reason or another, I constantly feel left out, left behind, and left alone. I crave my alone time, no doubt about it, but generally crave the affection of another. I like attention. I know this. You know this. But much more than attention, I just want to be understood... accepted and loved and understood to a point where I don't have to feel bad for feeling like... me. I'm okay with me. I'm happy with me. I understand and accept my flaws and embrace my good qualities. Unfortunately, not everyone understands how I operate, and what I really need from others...

Thank the heavens I found a man who does... <3


.........

Yup, that's it.

No resolution on this one.

.........

Stop reading! It's really done...


... until next time, my loves ....

BYE!

City By The Bay

I've had many cravings and opportunities to write lately, but...

Well, I obviously haven't.

Ah-HA! But now! Something that really needs to be said.
... or written.
Whatever.

I just experienced thee best trip I've EVER had! There were so many firsts for me, iced with love and sprinkled with a million twinkles of the eye. I feel alive. I feel happy. I feel... anxious... anxious to get that feeling back.

You see, it wasn't here in beautiful San Diego that I experienced this... "trip"... (I guess that already gave it away... sooo... ). It was in amazing-fantastical-absolutely-perfect-for-me San Francisco!!! Though I've been to this great city a handful of times, it was always as a tourist, on one side of town. This trip, however, was different in all of the best ways.

Let's start from the top.

This trip was, unfortunately, for the passing of a dear friend of my dearest friend. I had only met him once, but he made an impression on me, for sure. I knew immediately that he had a great heart and a delightful sense of humor. He will truly be missed by many, many people... RIP JP. <3

A bittersweet trip it was, indeed. For me, it was a life-changing experience.

First of all, I took my very first plane ride... on a plane... FIRST ONE.... EVER!!! And I was TER. RI. FIED. I cried and cried and generally freaked out until takeoff, when suddenly I became calm. I felt a peace wash over me, and as we lifted off of the ground, I felt every fear and care slowly fall away, slipping down to the ground we were soon unable to see. I began to relax, pacing my breath, and- of course- still clutching my very best friend's loving hand. By the end of the flight, I was geeking out on the fact that we were in the damn sky and cheering as we landed! It was an incredible experience, and though the trip home was still a bit unnerving, I have conquered my biggest and greatest fear of all... flying! =)

So? Already pretty amaze balls, n'est-ce pas??

But no... oh no... we are NOT finished, folks!
I met some of the most amazing people, ate some of the best food, drank some of the best drinks, went to some of the best places, lived some of the best effing life I have ever lived... ya' know, felt happy. Felt whole. Felt home.

Whoa... so what about San Diego?? What are you saying, Shaneil?!

I'm saying I have a new goal. I want to be in San Francisco. Nay, need to be!
I couldn't even begin to describe everything that happened... the laughs, the cries, the new friends, the love, the entire city... it has a feeling about it that I could never begin to form into words. But I know how I feel. And I know what I want. So I'm going for it.

Oh yeah, there's also this guy who's kind of... um... incredible, but we'll totally get into that later, yeah? ;)

No, I'm not doing this for a guy. Calm down. I'm doing this because I have NEVER felt so alive and happy as I did during those four days. Four days... imagine a week! A month! Eeeeeeek!! (Yes, I just let out a little squeal!) A YEAR. <--- This is how excited I am!!! (Hopefully that arrow actually lines up... if it doesn't, just- just figure it out!)

The point is, I'm doing it. I'm in a position to do whatever my little heart desires, and my heart desperately needs to be in San Francisco. It may not be forever, but that's not what matters. What matters is I need to be there now. I give myself until the end of the year. Think I can do it?

... I do.

Short & Sweet

I'm having trouble writing.

I think that's pretty obvious at this point...

Hush, you.
Although I am not a fan of forcing myself to write, I know that, in the end, it will get those muscles flexing again. So, here I am... writing.

It's been an interesting month so far. First of all, I absolutely love San Diego! The people are so warm, loving and down-to-earth here. The landscape is beautiful. The music scene feels like one, huge, supportive family. Plus, I live with 3 of the greatest people I know... and a couple of lovely critters. All in all, a fantastic move so far!

So, what have I accomplished?

Not much...

*Sigh* So... it's been a rough start. I can't say I haven't accomplished anything, because I have had some incredible experiences so far. I have met and befriended some pretty amazing people, performed a handful of times, researched a new diet/lifestyle (which I start this week)... all while remaining a huge part of another journey. Living with 2 of my best friends while they pursue their own musical dreams has been a wonderful experience. I'm so. flippin'. blessed. to be a part of their lives! They are both incredibly talented, kind-hearted, hilarious, loving people. They motivate me, support me, and push me towards my goals in a way I so desperately need.

I'm in an italics mood tonight, aren't I?

I'm also a bit rusty, obviously... The point is, I'm heading in the right direction. I've had a wonderful month or so- relaxing, socializing, performing- heck, I even went on a couple of dates! Now it's time to get down to business.

Here's what's up:
I want...
... to start my vegan diet.
... to get back to my daily exercise routine (yoga/treadmill).
... to get a job and begin to save (for a car and debts owed).  
... to work on music and start writing again (and continue to perform as much as possible!).
... to take guitar lessons.
... to get Buster caught up on his shots and neutered (Sorry, angel face!).
... to start my other two blogs (while continuing this one).
... to get involved in "bigger picture" issues, if you will.
... to research/begin making my own household products.

And so on and so forth and furthermore and henceforth and from here on out and...
that didn't make any sense.

Okay! So!
Goals? Check.
Blog? Check.
Tired? Check.

This isn't over...
You could say I'm... Just... Beginning... ?

Too soon?
.....
Goodnight <3

Keep Calm & Carry On

I'm feeling down.

And as usual, when I feel down, I write.

So, finally, I'm on another post. Only number 3 so far... but that's not so bad, considering it's because good ol' life has gotten in the way! Between moving, then leaving town to visit home for a week, then returning to San Diego, and looking for a job, and catching up with my roommates, and organizing my room, and planning my new life, and researching vegan... ism...

Well, you see why I've been busy!

There is a lot going on, thank goodness, for my heart is heavy... Returning home for a week really opened up some old wounds... deep wounds... and as much as I'd like to throw a bandaid on them and pretend they'll heal, they won't. Not if I ignore them. I have to face them... and slowly but surely, they are creeping up on me. And, of course, they mostly have to do with men. My father, my uncle, and my first love. *Sigh*. Awesome.

Without diving too deep into my pool of feelings... I will just say that I'm going through one of those life experiences that we all need to feel. I'm recognizing the need to heal parts of my heart I didn't realize were so broken. Though my feelings about my uncle are quite different from the rest, the rest... well, the rest is a lot. A lot of confusion. A lot of bad memories. A lot of 'Now what?'. Now, what... what is the now? I don't know yet. It's all a bit blurry. I do know, however, that time will heal; courage will strengthen me; love will guide me; and patience will teach me. I will learn lessons and move forward. I will be okay.

No matter what, I think it's important to focus on what I can change. I cannot change the way someone feels. I cannot change someone's actions, or lack thereof. I cannot change the past. What I can change is my attitude about it all. I can control my actions. I can let a situation break me down, or I can grow from it. It really is a choice. I'm making the choice to continue on, loving myself and working on myself. I'm in a place where the world is mine. I have the time, the drive, the motivation, the support, and the love to do whatever I desire. I haven't forgotten that. Though my heart is heavy, my spirit keeps me light. I just have to spread those wings, and fly. Keep faith in myself. Stay strong and patient. Remain calm and kind. Always learning, always growing, always loving. Everything is fine.

Or, at least... it will be.

The Little Things

I've been in San Diego for a week, and I'm already incredibly thankful to be here.

(And by here, I mean there. I'm on a train to Fresno... sooo I'm not there, but here... but I mean there... you get it.)

Surrounded by an infinite amount of love and support, I already find myself thinking more clearly... recognizing what really matters to me, and what I actually want from my life. The most important realization that has presented itself is my love for the little things, and my desire for little more. Those precious moments make memories that I will keep forever...

A good friend putting their arms around me, just because...
A random text or phone call, if only to say "I miss you"...
Meeting someone and instantly feeling like family...
Being a small part of something big, yet knowing it matters...

Hell, over the last week, I've been excited just to have a backyard available for Buster, a place to hang my clothes, and three meals a day! Plus, I get to live with people I adore and pursue my dreams, while continually a part of their dreams??? Yeah, I'm doing alright, I'd say! And while there is so much more I would like to achieve, staying grounded and living a moderate lifestyle is something I am not only "okay" with, but actually prefer.

I have no desire to be famous, but would love to perform my music for those around me.
I have no desire to cook professionally, but would love to work on recipes and ideas I have.
I'm not going to become a teacher, but learn and teach from those around me, every day.
I probably won't change the world, but I understand my impact through small gestures.

The thing is, I have so many loves and passions, but the greatest passion I have is people; and those small moments, those brief interactions with them, is what really makes my day. I love putting a smile on someone's face, or giving them advice they'd never thought of... I love to help people, in any way I can, be it changing a life or simply holding the door open. I truly believe if we all focused on the little things, building generous and considerate habits for those around us, the world could actually "become a better place". So often we talk of making the world better, but we are always quick to point the finger at someone else... We tend to shy away from the responsibility, but the fact is: It begins within ourselves.

"I'm starting with the man in the mirror..."

Sound familiar? That song has always meant a lot to me, because it truly encompasses what we all need to learn. Telling someone else how to live their life or what actions to choose is a waste of time. If you really want to change the world, change yourself. Hold the damn door open for someone; use your manners (remember those words, "please" and "thank you"?!); be compassionate, don't judge, and always spread the love. That's what I believe, and I'm sure most of you would agree.

This new journey is my way of beginning the change within myself. I've always tried to be loving towards those around me, but it's time I turned my words into action. So, I'm pursuing volunteer opportunities, protesting the hate in the world, and continuing the love. Always. I begin a 1-week vacation today, coming home to Fresno to see those I truly love; but when I get back to San Diego, everything will change. It's all in my power, it's all within me... and it can start within you. And once it does, it's infectious... those around you feel it, and are motivated to follow suit. That's what I want; to motivate, to inspire, to be inspired.

Always dreaming...
Always striving for more...
Always connected to those around me...

Just beginning to live, continually learning, and never done loving.

It Begins...

It begins in the city of San Diego.

It begins in a loving home, with loving people.

It begins... with me.

I made the choice to leave Los Angeles long ago, but I hadn't decided when. Now, I'm here in San Diego, and I can hardly remember those moments leading up to my decision. It all happened so quickly, so organically... and really, I don't want to look back. This entire adventure is about looking forward, and moving forward.

So what the heck am I doing here??

... Changing.

... Growing.

... Bettering my life, myself, and those around me.

Striving for more, going for more, and doing more. This is my chance to face my fears, chase my dreams, and acquire the life I've always wanted to live. A life with purpose, meaning, love, and always always spreading joy, peace and happiness. In every way that I can.

This includes, but is NOT limited to:

-Sharing my music 

-Working on cooking projects

-Finding opportunities to volunteer

-Tutoring those in need of help

And being an advocate for things I believe in, however I may do so. There are so many topics that I have become passionate about, and I want to finally do something about them. The planet is in trouble, our animals are mistreated, and our people are desperately seeking answers and progress. Mostly, we all need a little more love, a little more peace, a little more compassion, and... no, wait, we need a LOT more of all of that. And I want to be someone who impacts this world in a positive way. Not just on a small scale, but a larger one. More than just one city, many cities. More than just a few people, many people. More than just me, the world.

Moving forward, as is our theme here, I'm incredibly excited and ready to get moving on these desires of mine! These first couple of weeks will be mostly settling in and unpacking, coupled with a visit home to see those I love and miss so much. No matter what, it's all upward from here. Accompanied by my little man, Buster, we face this world with strength, dedication, passion and love. And most importantly, a big ol' smile on our faces! =)

Buster also wanted to say a few words:

"Woof woof,

Woof woof woof... woof, bark bark.

Arf arf bark... mmmm woof. "

I couldn't have said it better. To the future! <3